more IVF and a Loss….

First off let me start with a trigger warning because Loss is mentioned and I know that can be hard for a lot of women.

 

My RE was perplexed as to why I wasn’t getting pregnant.  He decided he would do  ERA testing.  This is where they take a scrape from your uterus and send it off to establish the ideal time for transferring an embryo.

At the time I did this, it was in early stages and my sample had to be sent to Spain for analysis!  I remember thinking it was very strange that now Spain was involved in my fertility.  It came back that we were doing everything right.

During this break I went to see an acupuncturist whom my Mother used to work for.  After an extensive list of questions she told me that she didn’t think that acupuncture would help my fertility.  She gave me the name of a woman that she thought would be able to make a difference to my story.  This woman practiced Maya Abdominal Massage.

I went to see her right away.  It was very emotional and quite strange.  Its a very gentle practice but you can definitely feel something happen.  It connects you mentally with your uterus which is something that I’d never even contemplated beforehand.  I left with exercises to do at home.

A couple of weeks later I had another embryo transfer and miracle of miracles… a positive pregnancy test!!

My betas were strong and they doubled, then doubled again.  I went for an ultrasound and immediately my heart sunk.  A perfect yolk sack but no fetal pole.   The embryo was measuring behind.  I had seen others go through this.  I knew what this meant.  They made another appointment for a week later and told me to be pessimistically optimistic.

What an awful week.  I couldn’t justify taking the whole week off from work to wallow so I carried on as if nothing was happening.  I went to work, I went to friends dinner parties.  I didn’t drink.  I faked it.

Sure enough a week later the worst was confirmed.  At nearly 7 weeks I had lost the pregnancy.  I had options on how to proceed but I knew I needed answers.  I chose to have a D & E so that they could analyze the embryo and hopefully discover why it had happened.

The day of the D & E was one of the worst days of my life.  I felt utterly hopeless.  I had told myself that I was done trying and that this would be my last attempt.  I cried all day long.

Then the results came back.  The embryo had not been compatible with life.  It had the most common genetic errors for miscarriage.  It was not due to my age.  It was nothing I had done wrong.  My RE told me that this is the same reason that 25 year olds miscarry and that in so far as it could be, this was a good thing.

I found such solace in knowing this.  Light started coming back into the edges of the dark corners of my mind.  I felt empowered by knowing that my Uterus wasn’t broken, that it could maybe nurture a life….

I needed to find a way to try one. last. time.

3 thoughts on “more IVF and a Loss….

  1. Hi Tania, thank you for sharing your most personal stories here in your blog. I hope you know it is a real support to other women on this journey, and a reminder to those of us who are also “infertility survivors” to keep our gratitude front and center every day. Congratulations on persisting and finding your sweet little boy!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Jill. I’ll never forget how it was to go through it. Infertility PTSD is a real thing. Guilt for leaving others behind and gratitude beyond measure that you’re out of it. Such a hard balance.

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  2. You are a strong woman Tania. An inspiration for women passing through this phase and a source of knowledge to others hoping to take this route. By sharing your personal experience, you are giving a lot of women hope and i love you for being this strong! Have a fabulous week darling. Xoxo

    Like

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