That time I was on my fave Podcast.

Earlier this year, I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts “The Longest, Shortest Time.” The presenter Andrea Silenzi (who I had listened to on her previous Podcast “Why oh Why”) was clearly wrestling with whether to have a child on her own, whether to preserve her fertility by freezing her eggs, or whether to invest more time in trying to find Mr Right.  She just so happened to be at the same age I was when I started seriously having those thoughts.

artistic-blossom-bright-207962Now I think egg freezing is the biggest scam of the decade so I’d never recommend anyone do that unless they had no other choice (for example, cancer – and even then I’d say make some embryos too.)  Having gone through the rocky path I did to conceive my son, I felt duty bound to reach out to her.  Maybe if I can help just one person make their decision I’ll feel like my mistakes weren’t in vain.

So I wrote an email to the Podcast.

To my surprise I was contacted and asked to talk to Andrea about my experiences.  You can listen to that podcast here.

I had been toying with the idea of starting a blog again for a few months before this.  I had been trying to teach myself some copywriting skills and thought that it would be good practice if nothing else.  Being on the Podcast made me get my backside into gear and buy the domain name I had been kicking around in my mind for a while.

“The Uhoh Diaries”

4k-wallpaper-adorable-blur-1148998I love this name because UhOh is one of the first, most recognizable words out of toddlers mouths and it sticks around through toddlerhood.  As parents we instinctually say it to convey something that isn’t going quite right.  Toddler spills food on the floor “UhOh”, , toddler drops toy off of deck “UhOh”!  (That one used to happen a lot!) Messy hands – “UhOh!”

My life has felt like a series of UhOh’s with a very happy ending.  It certainly hasn’t gone according to the plan I had in my mind when I was in my teens, my twenties or even my thirties.  Now, in my 40’s I finally feel as though I have passed the UhOh torch onto my son.  I hope he only needs it for spilled drinks and wardrobe malfunctions.

Being on a Podcast is nerve wrecking.  I had a lot of trust in the presenters as I have listened to almost every episode.  Its a parenting podcast and always comes at parenting from an interesting perspective.  You don’t have to be a parent to enjoy it.

1That said I was still scared that I would come across badly.  As a Single Mother by Choice, it was really important to me to represent us in a good light.  I also want people to know that fertility can’t be assumed.  That it isn’t always there when we need it.  It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the moment and say to yourself that you’ll have children one day in the distant future.  The harsh reality is that once you hit 30 you need to start thinking about it in a more serious way.  Maybe get your fertility checked by your Obgyn.  It is so so hard to do.  I speak from experience.  I kept thinking that my dream man was right around the corner, kept trying to fit a square peg in a round hole just so that I wouldn’t have to face doing it all alone.

Safely on the other side, having wrestled with becoming a Single Parent by Choice and then infertility I can say that it’s far less scary than I ever imagined.  In fact in so many ways I think it’s been easier for me.  I have a huge Choice Mother community in my area and the Donor Family as well as the original friends who have stuck around!

The Podcast aired right as I launched my website/blog.  I got so many calls from friends and acquaintances who had listened as well as a lot of good feedback from the SMC community!  I am so glad that they feel well represented.  Our voices aren’t heard enough.  Whilst there are so many people who choose this path (and the numbers are growing,) there still isn’t enough positive press about us.

This is why I am trying to play my small part in giving a little exposure and understanding of this beautiful path I have chosen to make a family and live a happy, fulfilled life.

I have never been happier than I am now.

I feel so fortunate for my little corner of happiness.  Happiness is everything.  Do whatever you can to chase it and to find it.  If you jump, trust in the net to catch you.

Our Donor Family.

One of the things that most of us don’t think about when we are selecting a sperm donor is the other women who have chosen that same donor before us.   We tend to focus on health history, appearance, CMV status and often we will look for a donor who has had successful pregnancies.  When you are searching through profiles, these attributes are often just a check box or one word answer.  The only face you look at is that of the donor.

I was one of the people who gave zero thought to the fact that my future child already had half siblings.  Once I was pregnant it hit me in a flash – my son had donor siblings (or diblings as some call them.)  I had this wonderful opportunity to see other children who were half of what my son would be.  Perhaps he would look similar to them?  It was too irresistible to not want to have a peek.

At 9 weeks pregnant I connected with other families who had used the same donor and found myself in a secret Facebook group with a bunch of women who had adorable little people – my sons half siblings.  It was pretty surreal and incredibly cool!

stock-photo-decisions-neon-sign-words-signage-motto-motivation-neon-light-quotes-and-sayings-wild-words-9d80fb9c-9a22-4f13-ac34-e74de28The decision on whether to connect with your donor group is, like everything else in this process very personal.

Some parentss feel that their families are enough and are very uncomfortable with the idea of connecting with their children’s half siblings.  They never look for them  and they never connect with them – they leave the decision 100% up to their child.

Some parents connect with the group but stay very much in the background.  Their main reason for being there is so that they can be aware of any health issues that might come up.  Maybe they also want to make it easier for their children to connect if they should want to in the future.

Then there are the male infertility recipients (heterosexual couples) and I’ve found that they are much less likely to connect and have a higher chance of not telling their children that they used a donor.  Some do tell their offspring but they stay away from the donor groups for the most part.  I know we have at least one couple that used our donor but they have not reached out to us.

choice-2692575_1920When I first connected it was mainly out of curiosity.  I wasn’t sure how much involvement that I wanted.  It was interesting but overwhelming.  We have some strong characters and I wondered whether or not I really needed this many new people in our lives.

Time went on and my son was born.  This group of women had become a cheerleading team of sorts – genuinely excited to welcome a new child into the group.  They were among the first to know that I had given birth and it was so fun to compare my baby’s picture to all of the other newborns!

I gave it some genuine thought.  I considered what I would want and what my future son might want.  I came to the same conclusion for us both:  Honesty and love.

I felt that hiding the donor family from my son could backfire.  He would feel lied to and could even resent me for the missed opportunity of getting to know others who were not only donor conceived – but by the same man who had helped gift life to him.  If I left my child out of gatherings and meet ups, other kids would form bonds and it would be much harder for my son to connect and form the kind of relationships that occur when you have been friends through all the awkward stages of life.

I decided that I would embrace the donor families and I can honestly say that it has been the best decision for us.  We have met multiple families and it has always been a very positive experience.  Some of these women have become very good friends – to the point that I now cannot imagine my life without them!  I am excited for our children to know one another and so glad that I have opened this door for my son so young.  I feel like he will never feel that it’s weird or uncomfortable – it will just be his life and another part of his amazing story.

footstepsAnd if my son decides that he doesn’t want to pursue friendships with these children when he is older, that’s fine.  It will still be his choice.  It will also be my choice to stay connected to the Mothers who have become friends.

We are going on vacation later this month.  It’s our second donor sibling meet up and this time we will have 10 children (7 families total.)  I’ve no doubt it will be absolute chaos but of the sweetest variety.

sea-1337565_1920We plan on doing a meetup for those who want to every year until the kids are old enough to do it on their own and then – who knows, maybe us Mums will just do it on our own.  We’ll pick somewhere exotic and enjoy our cocktails, kid free and full of stories.