There’s a myriad of reasons for why I have been unable to write much of anything lately. There’s plenty in my head but nothing was ready to find it’s way out and onto the page.

What I haven’t shared much about is that I have been trying to conceive a second child since before I even began this blog. A sibling for my sweet son. Another child to love.

I knew before I even began that a second child wouldn’t come easily to me. I had faced the beast that is infertility once before. My expectations were low. Realistic. I entered with grace and profound appreciation for the existence of my son. I am a mother. My goal has been achieved. I will not be greedy. But maybe, if I tried, just maybe it would be my turn for a miracle.

There is a hierarchy surrounding infertility whether we like it or not. Those of us who are trying desperately to become Mothers cannot understand the pain of those who are devastated when they fail to conceive their second (or third… or forth?) children.

I’m well aware that we can’t live another persons pain. That our own experiences are unique and we all have a right to our emotions.

I shared with some of my SMC community and my ever supportive Mother. I preferred to go through it alone this time.

Some good news…

An amazing development had occurred since the first time I tried to have a child. Infertility is finally covered for single women in my state and I more than qualified! Knowing that trying for a second wouldn’t put me into crippling debt really helped alleviate some of the stress that fertility treatments put you through. And so I embarked on Infertility round 2.

I did a couple of IUI (due to my age it’s just about the same odds of conception as IVF). I thought why not??

They failed.

I decided to try a round of IVF.

I produced 2 follicles. I cancelled the round myself.

I tried again.

I got all the way to retrieval this time. They got 5 eggs!! I was grateful and dare I say a little hopeful?

None of the eggs fertilized.

I tried for a third time. Another round of IVF.

This time I knew it would be my last attempt. I was so done with being a pin cushion. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the things that can go wrong with a baby born from old eggs.

More shots in the stomach.

Another surgery.

I went to retrieval.

I got 3 eggs.

1 fertilized via ICSI. I had no other option than to do a day 3 transfer.

It didn’t work.

I was done.

I resolved that we would be a Mum & kid family and that would be that. I was surprised by how at peace I felt. I was so grateful for my son.

Spoiler Alert…

I am currently entering the second trimester. I’m carrying a beautiful gift of a baby girl.

How I got here is a story for another blog post.